This is my own very personal story of loss and love.
My husband and I were only married for 2 months, newlyweds, when I
found out I was pregnant in 2008. I took a test on the morning of my husband's
birthday and showed him our surprise. We
were both extremely excited and couldn't believe we're going to have a baby! We
arranged our doctor's appointments, heard the fetal heartbeat, started
wondering if we'd have a son or a daughter as our firstborn. We had just enough time to share our good
news with our family....until "my heart bled."
I was about eight weeks along when I miscarried. We
rushed to the hospital because I had slight cramping and spotting, but the
ultrasound confirmed our loss and the doctor told us there was no
heartbeat. I was crushed. The self-blame was focused on what I did, or didn’t
do. It was a few days before Christmas and we were hosting a huge family
celebration at our home. A smile was
plastered on my face, trying to hold myself together but when I said grace
before our Christmas dinner....I cried thinking of "Our Christmas
Angel".
Twenty five percent of women will miscarry. That's 1
in 4 women who've gone through it yet not many will ever talk about it. My colleague at work shared this information
with me but I didn't think it would happen to us. Many people don't like to share the news of
being pregnant before they are 12 weeks, "in case something
happens" but when it does
happen...then who would we turn to?!? The grief and pain was so huge I couldn’t
have pretended nothing occured. It was such a devastating moment that brought
heartbreak and guilt not knowing how and why it even happened.
A miscarriage is a tremendous loss no matter how early
you are in your pregnancy, but it's a loss that is often mourned privately. My
husband and I grieved the loss together.
A part of myself was lost yet I had to go on somehow. I did a lot of research on miscarriages and
because it was so common, it made me feel better that I wasn’t alone, but it
didn’t make it any easier to grieve.
I needed to push myself to rise after having fallen
and to try to not cry so much for my tears seemed endless inside.
So for months, my husband and I kept 'trying" to
have a baby, People would tell us
"don't think about it" or "just relax." Well, it was hard to not think about it when
all that was on my mind was having a little one of our own to love. It became a monthly task and a monthly
disappointment....until we were pregnant again 7 months later, July 2009.
My husband and I were ecstatic but we were cautious of
what I did. I took my daily vitamins,
avoided caffeine, and stretched often. I
grew big quickly in 3 months. I was
extremely nauseous and was constantly vomiting at the sight of certain food and
particular scents. There was no doubt I
was pregnant because I showed all the symptoms in my first trimester. At 12 weeks, my husband and I went to our
obstetrician to hear the heartbeat through the doppler - only our doctor didn't
hear anything. Our doctor fell silent and then confirmed through our ultrasound
that there was no fetus. I was
devastated. I had a Molar Pregnancy, when there's an abnormal fertilization.
The embryo began to develop but was malformed and could't survive. A molar
pregnancy had serious complications — including a rare form of cancer and
required early treatment. I had to do
x-rays and the doctor performed a dilation and curettage (D&C). I needed to
be monitored monthly by the doctors through blood tests and was advised NOT to
try to get pregnant for one whole year.
One whole year?!?! Those words seemed horrible to me.
My girlfriends came over to comfort my aching
heart. My family was right there beside
me. I knew I had wonderful support. They let me cry out loud but they also
brought me laughter - as I remember it actually being one of the best BBQ
suppers that summer. But I still
cried. I cried because we already picked
baby names. I cried because we
designated the baby room but now ther's an empty space in my belly. I cried when I'd see a baby in a stroller at
the mall. I cried inside when I saw a
pregnant woman walk past me. It is so true that "Invisible tears are the
hardest to wipe away."
Well, six months after our doctor told us NOT to get
pregnant for one year- I got pregnant.
She reassured me that I'll be monitored closely and exclaimed
Congratulations. I ate well and
exercised more. I consciously made the
effort to pray every day by reciting "Our Father and "Hail Mary"
prayers every single day. I did prenatal
aquafitness, prental yoga classes and listened to my body when it was time to
rest. While most women feared the
anticipation of labour and delivery, I was looking forward to it.
The birth of our son in 2010 brought us tremendous joy
- so perfect, so pure, so innocent. We
waited and longed for him to come and join us in our world. We play, we laugh, we sleep peacefully
together and we enjoy hearing his voice.
Oftentimes I'd stare at him in amazement that he's present in our lives.
The relationship between my husband and I deepened
even more. I thanked my love for
soothing my hurt and for unselfishly grieving together. We found appreciation
in all that was beautiful in our life which we took for granted. My husband
allowed me to take time to take care of myself.
We were pregnant again in 2011 but had another
miscarriage at 8 weeks. I remember
blaming myself and thinking what I could have done wrong. Was it because I
hosted a big party for our son's first birthday and exerted myself the day
before my miscarriage? Was it something
I ate? Would I have been able to avoid the miscarriage if I sat down earlier
and raised up my legs before rushing to the emergency department? I just needed to know why. Was my age a factor? I suddenly felt incredibly guilty that I took
my time in finding the perfect partner for me before getting married and having
a baby when I was past 30 years old. The
guilt surrounding miscarriages creates the feeling of embarrassment or
something to be ashamed of. We take it for granted that we will be able to
reproduce. because it's supposedly part of our human nature. I remember not
wanting to go to work to have to face everyone who knew I was eight weeks
pregnant before the sudden loss. I
needed the sympathy one would receive when losing a loved one. Losing a fetus felt like it was mostly
understood between my husband and I.....but kept reminding myself I am not
alone.
I may have angels in heaven but boy, did it ever hurt
like hell.
There was so much love and heartbreak in every
teardrop.
My husband and I will never forget the angels we never
got to hold but we will remember how lucky we were to have them for the little
while I carried them inside me.
I wrote this
exactly two years ago and have finally gotten the courage to share my own
miscarriage experiences because women needed to know they are not alone. It was horrible and I wish no one had to go
through such sadness, but for those who have - you are not alone. Today, my husband and I presently have three
children. They are our blessings that we are so grateful for- it's heartwarming to see their smiles, hear their laughter, feel their hugs. My children were my motivation to strive to always
do my best. Even though I am presently
a mother of a healthy son, a daughter and a newborn boy... it's not something
that you forget. My husband, our
children and our angels have already made my life better today than it was
yesterday.
With love,
MCB xo